Go the Fuck to Sleep

This week, I’ve been chipping away at commonly stated reasons for reproduction, and ruthlessly dashing naiveté against the rocks of reality. Here’s another bit of addlepated nonsense that needs a wake up call.

  “We need a baby to keep the relationship together.”

  Considering the divorce rate, it’s amazing that anyone still believes this.
  Every time I encounter this misconception, what always leaps to mind is a poster I saw of a teenage boy in track uniform. The caption read, “Want to see how fast he can really run? Tell him you’re pregnant.”
  In case anyone doesn’t know that there are a lot of single moms who’d never planned on the single part, there are. Now you know. There are single dads as well, so this notion falls apart regardless of gender. It sucks, but it’s true. Many humans of either sex cut and run in the face of responsibility for another life.
  Speaking of sex, here’s another large complication. Having a child can ruin your sex life.
  Sex is, of course, one of the reasons people get into relationships in the first place, and that one-on-one time can reinforce the bonds between people with healthy sex drives, if they have the time, energy, and opportunity to engage by the end of a long day.
  When does that day end, precisely?
  I’ve dated single mothers. With one, her kid perpetually demanded to be the center of attention, staying literally in the center. Even at bedtime, the child refused to sleep in her own room. For countless reasons ranging from practical to downright creepy, making love just isn’t an option when there’s a kid physically between you and your partner.
  I took my turns reading stories as the wee one virtually demanded. (Dance monkey, dance!) I was told I was good at it. Still nothing could get that kid to go the fuck to sleep. Some kids drift off easily- (I think I may have heard that once-) but most don’t.
  Nothing can kill the romance faster than a screaming kid with nightmares, or poopy diapers.
  Sweet dreams, mama and papa!

  There are more soul-crushing revelations to come!
  Tune in again, same bratless time, same bratless channel!

Master Nick
Roberts © 2012



One Response to “Go the Fuck to Sleep”

  1. We don’t have kids yet thankfully, they sound, loud. Help keep it that way, buy a condom subscription.

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